


A whale of a time

by Keenir



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-20
Updated: 2013-05-27
Packaged: 2017-12-12 09:51:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/810214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Keenir/pseuds/Keenir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hel thinks Stark and Uhura are the best way of dealing with the ocean-killing whale-speaking alien Probe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Separated by a common language

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [shinealightonme](https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinealightonme/pseuds/shinealightonme) in the [xover_exchange2013promptmeme](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/xover_exchange2013promptmeme) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Uhura's got better things to do than put up with his bullshit.

Nyota Uhura stood up, one hand pressed against what felt like a great big nonbleeding pain on the outside of her scalp. Here, only a minute after being unceremoniously deposited by some sort of wormhole-like structure, placed and left in what appeared to be the inside crust of a hollow asteroid, computer panels sprouting all over the place. "Who're you?" she was asked by someone whose accent sounded like something from those historical comedies.

"My name is Uhura," she said. "Who are you?"

"Me?" Tony Stark asked. 'I'm Iron Man."

Uhura just looked at him.

"Tony Stark. Part of the Avengers." When neither of those seemed seem to ring any bells, "The men and women who saved New York."

"Is that why its underwater?" she asked.

"Since when?"

"2060, the first Borough was fully lost. The process continued through the next six Boroughs."

"There's only five," Tony said.

"For a time," Uhura granted him.

"Wait...so this wasn't just a doorway to whatever this place is? Its time travel too?" Tony asked. "Should've asked Rogers for pointers on how to make that sort of transition, you know, when I had the chance."

'How would he know?' was her first thought, but tampered down by a thought of Khan. "Was he a supersoldier?"

"Oh _him_ you've heard of?"

"No. I have, however, met his superior."

"Fury?" Tony asked.

"Furious, at times," Uhura said, and couldn't see why Tony thought that hilarious.

All discussion was interrupted by a transmission - one which took the form of one wall reshaping into a human-looking face, which said:

_"Greetings. I am Hel._

_"I would not have been able to summon either of you here, if you had - in the words of my mother - defenses worth a damn._

_"I am the one who has pulled you from your respective places in time, to bring you here. This I do on behalf of what remains of Asgard, her loyalists, and her protectorates. Little enough remains, ergo your presence here, in what scraps of my home will remain once you have arrived._

_"Your task will be to stop this Probe from arriving at its destination," as the air around them displayed 3-dimensional representations of the alien probe, like a many-fathoms-length rod of pure invincible iron, a glowing soccer ball tucked under the front end. "Should it arrive at Earth, it will fail to locate its conversational partners, and render the planet uninhabitable for multicellular organisms more complex than a jellyfish. All inhabited places the Probe passes en route to Earth, will be rendered uninhabitable."_

_Hel waved the images into nonexistence. "All this data and more, will be in the system for your perusal. Nyota Uhura. Anthony Stark. My last act will be to activate the retrieval system to obtain the both of you. Before doing that, I am instructing my home to only return you to your own times_ when _the Probe is either neutralized, destroyed, or convinced to cease its destruction for all time._

_"Goodbye."_

"I believe that qualifies as blackmail," Tony said.

"An ultimatum," Uhura said.

"Potatoe, potato," Tony said, still rankling more over Hel's comment about personal defenses - he had felt he had developed beyond the need for body armor... _And as soon as I do that..._

"According to this file about the Probe's language capabilities," Uhura said as she read it, "the Probe is attempting to communicate with the humpback whale."

"I guess the Endangered Species Act wasn't a cure-all. Hm, shocking. So, as I said, I'm a super-hero, and you are...?"

"A communications officer," as she looked over the database available from every console, looking for and finding some of the right things, and a few things missing.

"What?" Tony asked. _The one time I go somewhere without Jarvis... He'd have a field day, I know it._

"I said -"

'No no no, I heard you. I just can't think why a powerful alien from an advanced civilization needs you here. Me, I can understand."

"Is that so?' Uhura asked.

"Yeah, I'm a friend of Thor."

"Who?"

"Thor? Son of Odin, boyfriend of Jane. Member of the Avengers, same as me, the Hulk, Hawkeye, Black Widow...aaand none of these names mean anything to you?"

"That's right."

"What do they teach in school these days?" Tony wondered rhetorically.

"Are you sure you aren't related to Khan? Your ego seems the same size," Uhura quipped.

"Ah, but I know how great I am."

"So did he." _Or rather, you both know how great you think you are._

"And what does the Asgard-selected Communications Officer suggest we do to ready ourselves for the Probe?" Tony asked. "I should inform you, young lady, that I am in a steady and committed relationship, no matter how rocky it gets at times."

Uhura did not snort. She didn't. She simply made a muttering in a language which utilizes the throat and nostrils more than the mouth, and thus can be mistaken by the rare few as a snort. In English, she added, "Were he so inclined, my boyfriend could snap you in three."

"Is he a supersoldier too?" Tony asked. "Or an alien? Not sure Thor would approve of him if he's a Frost Giant."

_Frost? I don't think Vulcan got any frost._ "Vulcan."

"You're dating a Roman god?" Tony asked. "That's cool - I suppose I never thought about it...the whole, if Thor and company are real, then what other gods might be out there, and -"

"Vulcans are a humanoid civilization native to a Class-M planet," Uhura said. "They're the reason humans have starships."

"What??"


	2. 800 lb gorillas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Aliens never invaded before First Contact," she said.  
> "I was there. Sorry, witness trumps history student."

Tony wasn't handling it any better three hours after Uhura had finished explaining. "Somebody just _gave us_ starships?"

"They weren't exactly gifts, but yes," Uhura said for the fifth time.

"Did we build anything?" Tony asked.

"A few sleeper ships," she said, thinking of the sort of technology which had held Khan &co prisoner captive for so long. "Star probes to look for habitable worlds near Earth."

"And this warp drive you mentioned?"

"An early form of one, yes, in a star probe."

"Note to self for when I get home," Tony said. "Invent a warp drive."

"Because its just that easy," Uhura said.

"When you get home, you should look me up."

"You'll be long dead."

"Read my bio, you'll be impressed," Tony said. "No reason I can't do everything I've done, and make a warp drive as an encore. Hell, maybe that's what I'm supposed to do, now that I've done all I've already done."

"I thought you were supposedly an iron man," Uhura said.

"I was and I am," Tony said. "No reason I can't diversify." _And like I said, the suit was a cuccoon, so maybe this is what adult-me is going to be good at, making warp drives and -_ "What's that?" Tony asked, reading the omnidirectional sensor readings for every direction outside of this place.

"A dead snake," Uhura said.

"No, that's too big to be a snake. Too big to be the mother of all those cyborg whalesnakes that invaded New York. What could...?" and thought of something. "Computer - AI - Hel - whomever whomever's here monitoring all this and us... What happened to Thor?"

The asteroid's systems answered: _"Thor, Lord of all Asgard and his allies and his protectorates, father of Hel and Narvi, ender of the Midgard Serpent. Thor perished in battle."_

"Who's in charge of Asgard? Or who was the last person in charge?"

_"Jane Forster, bride of Thor, mother of Hel and Rann, defender of Skadi. Jane was Regent over all of all Asgard and her protectorates and her allies. Jane was the last commanding in Asgard as the alien Probe approached, destroying all allies and protectorates and enemies of Asgard."_

"Friend of yours, I take it?" Uhura asked, seeing the look on Tony's face.

"Friend of a friend, more like," Tony said. "Colleagues in action and alien-fighting, you could say."

Uhura shook her head.

"No? What no?"

"Aliens never invaded before First Contact," she said.

"Pretty sure they did."

"No."

"I was there. Sorry, witness trumps history student." Tony frowned. "On the other hand, I wouldn't put it past Fury and his people to turn it all into a conspiracy theory, a bunch of covert classified stuff."

Uhura just looked at him.

"Fine, fine, okay, you might be may've been possibly could be right about it," Tony said.

"So generous."

"Eh," Tony said with a smile.

"As my boyfriend says, 'I am a Vulcan, we embrace technicalities.'"

"Ya'know, I'm starting to want to meet this nice young man."

"Not going to happen," Uhura said.

"Never wise to underestimate me. Just ask any of my enemies... er, the ones who didn't die going up against me one last time," Tony said.

"You heard Hel. Our own times."

"I've been sent home before... albeit usually from one country to another. My point is that if I want to do something, naysayers don't stop me."

"I was wrong," Uhura said. 

Tony smiled.

"You're not like a supersoldier. You're like my captain."

"Sorry?"

"Not important," Uhura said, trying not to picture the chaos Tony Stark and James Kirk could get into together.

"Uh-huh," Tony said. Some time later, adding, "Shit," Tony said.

Before Uhura could ask 'what now?' - 

"I told you my name, and you didn't recognize it. How do you not know the _Stark_ name, or at least the brand?"

"Wait, I think my old roommate may have mentioned you."

"Always good to have roommates," Tony said.

"Yes, Gaila said you disappeared one day -"

_Huh. Like father, like son. Oh joy._

"- and your son Jarvis restarted your company as Jarvis AllPresent, and they make all the little things we need in our day to day lives."

 _Jarvis?? Ooh, Pepper's not gonna be happy._ "This Gaila's reliable?"

"Completely," Uhura said. "You'd like her - tall, statuesque, green -"

"Rage monster?"

"Only if you made her mad. And if she liked you, she might break your head between your thights."

"There was a time when I would've been incredibly turned on by that."

"How is that not surprising?" Uhura muttered just before a new screen came up. "Oh."

"Was that a good 'oh'? Didn't sound like a good 'oh'," Tony said.

"Its a very good 'oh'...we just can't do anything about it," Uhura said.

"There has to be _something_ ," Tony said, coming over and looking over her shoulder at the screen. "Oh."

"You were saying?"


	3. Of the Nine Worlds I remember...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Horta. Dwarves.
> 
> One solution to the Alien Probe would create the Devil in the Dark. Another solution would destroy the them.
> 
> And so our heroes keep looking for a solution. And may be on the cusp of finding it.

"There has to be something," Tony said, coming over and looking over her shoulder at the screen. "Oh."

"You were saying?" Uhura asked.

"Not that it makes any sense, having crystal spheres in a pouch on the outside of a hollow asteroid," Tony said and paused. "Yeah, on the list of things I never thought I'd hear myself say, that's a great big Number Three. Want to know what Number One is?"

"That you'd be an amazing woman?"

"Never doubted that. So no, that's not on the list."

"The spheres sound familiar," Uhura said.

"Another tidbit from your lovely roommate?" Tony asked.

"No. Something I translated," Uhura said. _Before I was stationed on the Enterprise, Starfleet used me as a translator assisting in talks of varying sorts - some were peace talks, some were access negotiations._ "The Gorn mentioned them." _Right before she needed Dr. McCoy's help delivering octuplets._ "Horta," Uhura said, factoring in the differences between Gorn and Human vocalizing methods.

"Never heard of them," Tony said.

Hel's asteroid computer responded: _"Horta. An exonym used by the Dwarves when they are engaging the {UNTRANSLATEABLE}s of the universe. Their duplicity to the Nine Worlds has earned the revoking of their empire, and the containment of their hatchery."_

"Revoking an empire?" Tony asked. "That's a thing? You do that?"

"I'd be more curious who the Nine Worlds are," Uhura said. "And where they are in my time."

"Um, if I'm right about this, and I overwhelmingly tend to be right, but there's an old saying - 'Nine worlds I remember'...Asgard, Earth, Mussy, where Hel lives, a couple of elf worlds, and an ice world. It's the places Thor's people can go."

"Except Earth isn't a part of -"

"It is," Tony said.

"No," Uhura said. "Everything says it isn't. And it isn't just me."

"You know, usually when I'm debating something, and my opponent's this focused and determined on winning, I'm usually looking in the mirror at the time."

_Was that a compliment?_ "I'm not focused on winning. I'm just saying you're wrong. I'm focused on finding a solution to this approaching problem."

"Yes yes, the impending Alien Probe. Fine, we'll shelve your self-denial for later; I'm a great guru when it comes to that sort of thing."

"Personal experience?" Uhuru said. 

"No, my personal experience was more with how I was full of myself."

"Past tense?"

"Ooh, a funny bone, have we?"

"I have many," Uhura said.

"Sure, Xena."

"Xena was my mother."

Tony blinked. "What?"

"My mother's name was -"

"How did that show not make it to your century?"

"Possibly the war," Uhura said.

"War?" Tony asked. "What war?"

"The Probe's a hundred light-parsecs from us now. Nearby space is starting to feel the effects of the Probe's influence," Uhura said, reading the measurements on the console.

After checking something on his console, Tony said, "There are only two possible solutions to this problem. I'm still working on a third, but for now, two. I'd hoped to have had the third one before I said something -"

_Riiight_ , Uhura thought.

"- but it didn't turn out that way."

"Besides the solution where this entire asteroid flips in on itself?" Uhura asked. _And that one doesn't have a high odds on success._

"Yeah, the outside becoming the inside, that's one of the two," Tony said with a nod. "That or firing the Horta eggs at the Probe. According to these readings, the eggs have stuff in them that would redirect all the Probe's meddlings back at the Probe itself."

"I hope that's not the third solution," Uhura said. "Because it's not going to happen." _98.9% chance of success, sure. Except..._

"Nope, that was why I was trying to find a third option," Tony said. "Horta, dwarves, whatever we get to call them, you kinda have to be doing something right to have an empire in the first place - in the sense that you've managed to make fire and count notches, or whatever silicon-based fellas do." He sighed. "Any luck coming up with another option?"

"Not with the limited resources we have. You?" _Thus far, the most plausible and ethical solution is for us to invert this asteroid... so some day in my time or in my future, someone will come upon a lifeless-looking world. And inside that world, will be the Horta eggs._

"Not just yet, no. You can bet we'll solve this before that Probe gets too close."

"Did I mention you remind me of my Captain?" Uhura asked, and didn't hear his answer, because her question reminded her of something Kirk had done. Something that had infuriated Spock. "We can _Kobiashi Maru_ ," Uhura said.

_This lab partner doesn't strike me as the sort to ignore my having mentioned I was in a steady relationship. So that leaves..._ "We wha?" Tony asked.


	4. I tell you what, I'll make you a deal...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The deal is struck, the moving finger writ.

"Did I mention you remind me of my Captain?" Uhura asked, and didn't hear his answer, because her question reminded her of something Kirk had done. Something that had infuriated Spock. "We can Kobiashi Maru," Uhura said. 

_This lab partner doesn't strike me as the sort to ignore my having mentioned I was in a steady relationship. So that leaves..._ "We wha?" Tony asked. 

_Can't exactly expect a pre-War man to have heard of Starfleet's hardest testing program._ "A simulated battle," Uhura said. "In its entire history, only one person ever won." 

"Tough exam, I take it." 

"It was designed to be unbeatable. Even the man who beat it, lost the first two times he tried it." 

"So what's the secret of the Kobiashi Maru?" Stark asked. "What solution did the future wonderboy dream up?" and Tony wondered if this was how other people felt when *he* was called a wonderboy or a boy wonder. 

"Nobody could defeat the simulation," Uhura said. "So he reprogrammed it so he had a way to win." 

"Well that's certainly one way to get the sour taste of ashes and defeat out of the mouth," Tony said. _And sounds like he's a kid after my own heart._ "And how do you propose we reprogram the Probe? I mean, if I had my suit, I could maybe get close enough to it..." 

"As could I with my starship." 

'Whoa, wait, you have a starship?" 

"Didn't I mention that?" Uhura asked. 

"Uh, no!" Tony said. 

"Oh. I thought I did." 

"Sadly, no. But what do we do with this Maru cheatsheet, then?" 

"Change the rules of engagement," Uhura said, and then said, in a loud commanding voice, "Open a communication channel with the Alien Probe." 

There was a period of silence. 

"Not allowed?" Tony asked. 

"We'll see," Uhura said. 

"I could try hacking, see if we can get past the parental block," he offered. 

"Not just yet." 

_"Behavioral action meets pre-set action alteration levels. Access granted. You may contact the Probe,"_ Hel said, and all the consoles dimmed. 

"Teachers' pet," Tony said, his tone telling Uhura he meant no harm by it. 

"Always," Uhura replied similarly. To the room and beyond, "This is Nyota Uhura and Tony Stark, attempting to communicate with the approaching Probe. Will you speak with us?" 

Another moment or three of silence. Then - 

**"You are perceived, vassals of Vanir,"** the Probe transmitted to them, its voice thunderous. **"Speak."**

Uhura said, "The planet you're heading towards, we're asking you to turn around." 

No hesitation, no pause. **"No. Only one organism there meets even minimal intelligence requirements for communion. Vanir pets do not concern us, nor do Vanir foes."**

"Vanir?" Uhura whispered to Tony. 

"Bosom buddies of the Asgard," Tony said, having looked it up after reading Thor's file. "Pets?" 

"Why will you not change your course?" Uhura asked the Probe. 

**"You have provided no reason to oblige."**

With a smile, Tony asked it, "Are you asking for a bribe?" 

**"No. It is, however, the nature of lesser civilizations such as your own, to offer appeasements to stall severities. Why should the route be altered?"**

"I think that was two separate questions," Uhura said to Tony, who nodded. "Are you in a rush to reach the planet?" 

**"No.**

"Then why are you hurrying along a straight line?" Tony asked, looking at a console image projecting the travel path of the Probe. 

**"In abiding by all terms of treaty with you Vanir.**

"And what part of the treaty do you suggest for ammendment?" 

**"Grant permission to uplift the Dzi. That activity will pre-/occupy this and other Probes from interaction for {UNTRANSLATEABLE} length."**

"Hel, what's the Dzi?" Tony asked. 

No response. 

"Sleep in the bed you asked for? Eh, not my first rodeo." 

Uhura looked at him. To the Probe, she asked, "Should you be granted permission to uplift the Dzi, yet you still go to Earth, what penalties will you suffer?" 

**"Auto-destruct of this Probe. Loss of colonies. Impinged temporal communications with fellow Probes. Lessened face."**

"Then we agree, with one proviso. Divide the Dzi population in two self-sustaining populations, and only uplift one of the two." 

**"Observing parallel fallow populations is standard uplift tactic. There will be no disturbance of planets by Probes. Under terms modified, are you in agreement?"**

Uhura and Stark looked at each other, and nodded. "Saves Earth and Starfleet and whatnot," Stark said. "What could possibly go wrong?" he half-seriously jested and asked. 

"We're deciding this without consulting the Dzi," Uhura said. 

_"The Dzi have never to date created warpdrives,"_ Hel interjected, then returned to silence. 

"Could be that easy? No." 

"I don't follow," Tony said. 

Uhura explained: "Starfleet has a guiding rule - the Prime Directive. Which means that, even if we want to consult the Dzi, ask them their opinion about this...we can't." 

"Because of the no-warp drives thing?" 

She nodded. 

"Well that's a stupid rule." 

_Yep, definately like Kirk._

**"One insisted upon by our client species,"** the Probe said. 

"At your urging?" 

**"Suggestion."**

Spock's phrase came back to her... _'for the good of the many.'_ "We'll do it. We have an agreement," she said to the Probe. 

**"Transmitted. The Dzi types shall be utilized,"** it said, and - 

The Probe didn't warp space - it wefted space - and was gone. 

"Yay team," Tony said. "We won." 

Uhura nodded, hoping nothing came back to bite them later. "We worked well together." 

"That we did," Tony agreed, grinning madly. "If I'm ever in the neighborhood, I'll stop by and say hi to you and your Vulcan boyfriend. And meanwhiles, you can look up my works, all mighty, and -" 

_Definately too much._ "Despair," Uhura said with a smile. "I'll see you." 

_"Initiating return sequence,"_ Hel said. 

Remembering something a rabbi had told him, Tony waved and told Nyota, "Live long and prosper." 


End file.
